So yesterday I came out to the world so to speak to let everyone know what is going on in my head at least what the doctors think. I have received so many letters of support that I'm still working on replying to each and every one of them. Not a one from the stream though. Not a one. I know I don't know that many people so I shouldn't feel hurt or sad but I do. It's like people are avoiding the issue as there were replies to the quiz in between those 2 posts. If you are avoiding the issue because you don't know how to talk to me anymore, know that I'm still the same moody person as always who gives to her friends as much as she can. The only difference now is that I'm receiving the help I need so I can maybe figure this out and get better and be a better person. If you don't want to talk about it fine, whatever.
So yesterday after pulling an all nighter and having 2 5 hour energy drinks (which the caffeine didn't affect me nearly as bad as I thought it would have - I just wouldn't want to have much of it while traveling) I was on an emotional high. Everything was great last night until it was time for bed and my new night med dosage caused me to hallucinate, have interrupted sleep, nightmarish racing thoughts, and not very well rested sleep. I was in bed for over 12 hours (after being up for 37) and I woke up groggy and needing more sleep. Didn't feel much like using the computer so I finished reading book 3 in the Anita Blake series. It took 3 books but now I'm hookied and look forward to reading the 4th. Tomorrow I have to call my psychiatrist to talk about my meds, I don't like this constant grogginess. I couldn't even go to the store because I can't even drive! And neither can my Sweetie has he's too tired and on pain meds. So we've got almost no food, almost no money, food stamps are gone, and I couldn't drive to the store and neither can he. One of us is going to have to go off their meds to drive us to the store that is about a mile away!
Tomorrow my BIL and his wife are coming down for a few days. I imagine they aren't going to stay very long as we are going to be at their house on the 5th of August to house sit for them for 2 weeks. As a thank you for us house sitting for them (their cat requires daily meds) they are providing all the food we'll need while we are down there and have suggested a few places to go to including a farmer's market that happens every Saturday. I'm looking forward to checking that out and getting some good deals on some fresh produce. What is up with the prices these days? I mean I know it all boils down to oil prices but still, enough is enough.
Well reading cheered me up a little bit but now I'm down again. I still can't believe they took me off one of my antidepressents. I'm sure part of the turmoil I'm feeling is the whole med changes, but I hope they can do something about it because the thought of being bipolar shouldn't feel like such a death sentence. Wow... sometimes you just get on a roll with typing what thoughts pop out of your head and sometimes you are surprised what pops out. Is that how I feel about the potential of being bipolar feels like? Do I think it's the end? There are plenty of meds out there that have been proven to work to help people function, I just have to wait until they get it right. And then there's always therapy which I'm STILL upset about not having been set up with. I don't know, I thought of the perfect image to describe how I feel but if only I had the artistic talent to draw it. The best explanation I can give is picture a brain, imagine all the deep grooves in the brain so it kinda appears to be a big long rope or tube all twisted into the shape of a brain? Well straighten that out and tangle it up as much as possible. Then imagine a face on it. One of those with the mouths sideways kinda like this one
but with eyes kinda like this
. I dunno...
it's just a lot to think about and a lot to sort through. I'm keeping a journal on my desk to write down my reactions to the meds and how I'm feeling so I can bring it into my next appointment that is a few weeks away.
Well I guess I've bored you enough for now, I'm goign to see if I can be creative for awhile, or maybe just lay on the couch and watch tv. I don't know. Just feeling down right now.
**hugs and love**
~Cerelia, Resident Lunatic
Med changes are nasty. When I needed anti-stress and anxiety medication whatever number of years ago, I hated having to have them switched around. Eventually, with some trial and error they evened out and it started to do it's thing. Hopefully yours will even out, too and sooner.
True, things may take a bit to get straightened out, but at least you now have some PROFESSIONAL backing in your corner that know what they are doing and will know how to help. That's a lot more than you had last week at this time.
yummy... farmer's markets....
Cheers! ~MacKenzie
I took my bedtime meds so I'm heading off to sleep shortly. Hope everyone slept well over there last night and Pumpkin isn't in too much pain.
**hugs & love**
~Cerelia
It is at times like this that I think of the Serenity Prayer used by many people recovering from various things.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I hope this helps you heal. And always know that I will be at your side through everything.
As someome who has been there, taken meds and is no longer on them all I can say is keep doing what your doing. Only YOU know what is best for you. Its really great that you are keeping that journal and noting your reactions.
As for no one on the stream noticing... I can honestly say that I get my feelings hurt too when no one responds to something I have said. Or I assume to know why someone responded to one post but not the other. But then I also have to take note of my own blogging habits. I have more time to read than I do to respond and often I will respond only to a quiz, a funny picture/joke or song because typically those responses are short and dont require much thought. It doesnt mean I dont care about what is going on or that Im shying away. I read both your post last night and the one about Mack's girl and sent out a quick prayer and decided to post when I was more awake. I know you werent addressing your thoughts to me but I thought maybe it might help to know how others think.
I know we really dont know each other but Im up late because I work overnights and even when Im off work because thats just how I am. If you ever need to chat feel free to contact me.
Your in my thoughts,
Polly
You have my support and I am sending you positive thoughts.
Bear Hugs,
PolarB ;)
Thank you for being here for me, I love you.
**hugs and love**
~Cerelia
**hugs and love**
~Cerelia
**hugs and love**
~Cerelia
How are you adjusting to the meds? Any better?
Polly
Nope..you don't know me. Of course I know you. Who....in the world we frequent doesn't?? Plus, I'm in a couple of the same groups you are.
I didn't have a clue what a blog was when they first came out and asked one of my girls. She kinda gave me an overview. Yours is the first I've ever read. I thought it was a good idea for me and created one of my own. Now, (hopefully) I'll know when I'm going crazy before my family does. Everyone except probably my husband that is. Thank you for that.
I read through all of the most recent and the first in July that you posted. Have you discussed a sleep study with your doctor??? I've always had trouble sleeping but it'd gotten really bad. I do have sleep apnea. I got a C-Pap machine but I hardly ever use it. It really is helpful but using it's not conducive to my doing what I want to do. Yeah!!! I'm really headstrong and spoiled. I wanna do what I wanna do.
I want to watch TV or read. The face mask isn't made to be used with eyeglasses. I sleep in my glasses most nights since I usually fall asleep while watching TV. I'm just not gonna do it the way it should be done. I know, I know!!! How dumb can you be??
Anyway, if the thing works for me, I'm thinkin' it should work for just about anyone.
My doctor also had me on Lunesta with a Rozerem back, in addition to the C-Pap machine. They worked pretty well too. My problem is that I'm physically resistant to medicine. What worked really well in the beginning usually doesn't work too well after a while. My body gets used to it and whammmoooo....there I am!!! Either in pain or staring at the ceiling. I pretty much self medicate with whatever works at the time. I'm pretty much resigned to not being normal (?) all the time.
Anyway, my doc took me off of Lunesta at my last appointment after I told him I walked in my sleep during vacation. Not only did I walk in my sleep but, I went into the kitchen, got and ate a half pint of chocolate ice cream. I didn't know a thing about it until the next evening when my husband was teasing me about eating all the ice cream. I was scared to death when I realized he was telling me the truth.
When I told my doctor about it, he immediately cancelled my prescription for Lunesta and kept saying "No....no more for you". He was really bent outta shape. So much so, that I couldn't get any more information out of him about it.
I can usually make a deal with him to get my way. This time..he wasn't having it at all. Very scary.
I think though that it may at least give you a chance to get some restful sleep in order to get yourself on the right sleep track.
I have an appointment this Friday with a sleep specialist (Neurolgist no less). I'm with it, unless....he's got another machine I have to sleep with.
I hope outta all this ramblin' you'll find something that will help. I'm going to try to check on you regularly.
Keep your head up!!! There is something that will help. Ya just gotta hang in long enough to find it.
I do have a CPAP machine, have used it for 2-3 years now. I don't use the full face mask anymore as my skin is really sensitive and it caused a huge rash. I now use a nasal pillow which I LOVE. It just rests below my nose and I can sleep in practically any position I want to, wear my glasses if I want, sit up and read and watch tv if I want. It's a Swift Nasal Pillow.
As for the meds I take at night it's Trazadone and it's supposed to help me sleep and its an antidepressent. They've upped my dosage and it helps sometimes, but not others. If I'm wide awake and want to go to bed nothing helps.
I get to go visit the doctor on Monday the 18th to have my meds adjusted. I hope they do something and don't get too mad at how I've not been taking my meds like I'm supposed to. Thing is, I can't take them as prescribed because it leaves me zombie like during the day, I can't function.
Good luck at your appointment on Friday. Hope they can find something to help you.
**hugs and love**
~Cerelia