Ok, so yesterday started out ok.  We got up and visited with Sweetie's Mom for a bit then we went out to eat and we came home (bout 2.5 hours or so trip home).  Sweetie has a rough time at his Mom's because we used to live there but it no longer feels like our home because 99% of our stuff is out of there.  Also, it's a place that reminds him about his step-father and those memories are never good (he was abusive).  I don't mind visiting of course but I never want to live there again.  It just reminds me of my failures in life (couldn't manage to provide for ourselves so we had to keep moving in and out of there), when we had a miscarriage and lost our baby, me dropping out of college because I couldn't handle going back after I lost my baby.  It's something I think about a lot and I miss the chance I had of being a mother, now I know it'll never happen.  Sweetie had a vasectomy over a year ago and as much as I say we could always adopt, I know we never will.  I'll just have to satisfy my motherly instincts and cravings onto my cats (or when I visit Mac lol).  There's nothing like the smile of a child or a hug from a child to warm your heart.  Anyway, when we came home last night Sweetie was feeling really depressed.  He spent most of the trip home writing in my palm pilot.  I've been encouraging him to write more as he's really talented and I believe he could make a career out of it, so I figured he was just getting some ideas down.  Well at some point he went off to the bathroom saying he'd be in there for a while (he was holding his stomach and I just assumed he was going to take a dump).  I didn't think anything of it.  George got locked in the bedroom (we've been keeping that door shut and the bathroom while running the air conditioner out here) and I went to let him out.  Well I tried the bathroom door so I could let Sweetie know George was out.  The door was locked.  Instant alarms went off in my head, in my head I was replaying how he told me he was going to be in the bathroom for awhile, now the door is locked (we NEVER lock the doors).  I asked him to unlock it and he was taking forever to do it (he said he couldn't reach very well from the toilet (our bathroom is pretty small but all he had to do was lean over).  Well after about a minute and a half (a very long minute and a half) he unlocked the door and I stuck my head in to tell him about George.  As I'm doing that I look around the bathroom for the tell tale signs of him getting ready to cut himself.  The shower curtain was partially opened, I looked in and my razor (that I had hidden behind my shampoo bottle) was gone, I look over at him and on the back of the toilet is a bunch of bandages, there was a towel on the sink.  I looked at his arm (without the tatoo) and he had shaved it (he always does that before cutting so it's easier to clean up).  I stuck out my hand and demanded my razor back (he only has an electric razor because of this).  He didn't want to give it to me, I had to demand it several times.  I was also trying to talk him down.  He opened the cabinet under the sink and tried to get the razor out and leave everything else in there, I saw it and took it all (razor, a pair of scissors, a pair of pliars (to break apart my razor and something else I'm sure, but I can't remember at the moment).  So I went and hid them like I always do.  While he finished up I came back out and went to examine that note he wrote in my palm pilot, before I hadn't read it because I was respecting his privacy, anyway, I read it and it was a suicide note.  I of course realized the magnitude of the situation and knew I had to work extra hard to calm him down.  I was not letting him do this on my watch. So he came out and I talked to him for awhile.  I had him call the crisis hotline (actually the warm line) and they didn't help.  So I talked to him some more and we ended up going for a nice long walk (an hour at a brisk pace).  We just did a lot of talking about what happened and why he thought it happened and we just tried to sort things out.  We came back feeling better (we even stopped at a playground and played on the swings - and scared someone away lol).  So the night ended well and he didn't feel like hurting himself. 

 

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Today we went and ran some errands (an hour later than I wanted to) and we no wait, Sweetie decided we would drop the car off tonight instead of tomorrow (getting the AC fixed in my car so that traveling in the next few days will go easier.  Well because of the late start we got there so late that we missed the last bus that would take us home.  Had we started the day earlier when I wanted we would have made that bus.  We had to take the bus because our local friend couldn't come get us.  And that is a whole OTHER story.  She woke up this morning to find her mother gone with her car.  She checked her mom's car and it wouldn't run.  She had no idea where her mother went and her mother didn't leave her a note (common curtesy you'd think).  Hours later she found out her mother took her car to her grandmothers (within a short walking distance away) and THEN took off with my friend's aunt for the day!  Had my friend known this she could have walked over to get her car and come to get us.  She was pissed!  She kept apologizing (I kept telling her to stop it's not her fault lol) for it.  So I ask her if she could bring us to pick up my car in the morning and she can't because it's her mother's birthday and the family is going out to eat for lunch.  I have to pick up my car before 1 as that's when they close.  So I say ok, not a problem, we'll take the bus.  Now get this, we leave here at 11:15 and we won't get there until 12:45!  If we drove there it would only take us 35 minutes at the most to get there!  Todays traveling ended up costing us $30 for the cab, $3 atm fee, $2 bus fare and about 70 minutes of brisk walking.  Tomorrow's trip will cost us $2 for the bus fare.  After we pick my car up (which is supposed to cost us $140 at the most he says) we have to come all the way back home so we can load the car.  I'll probably end up picking up a bit too as our local friend will be coming by while we are gone to feed the cats. 

 

Well it's almost midnight and we have to get to bed.  I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  Tomorrow I'm leaving until Tuesday.  Have fun weekend.  :)

 

**hugs and love**
~Cerelia