Friends come and go in your life. It's sad but it's true. There are friends that I've had that we've just grown apart because we don't have live near each other and because our interests change. We don't just fight and break it off, life just happens. I have some friends that if I lost I would truley be devastated.

Now you've heard me mention Chris (Christina), Tracy, and Mac (fellow blog user linked on the right there). Chris is the one I've known the longest. We don't talk as often as I'd like, but we are still good friends. Tracy, I haven't talked to in years and I think about her often, but I think if we saw each other now it would be nice, we'd probably hug and it would be different. I think we've both changed too much.

Now Mac, she's been there for me since probably end of 1999, early 2000. When I met her she was very pregnant with her little Pumpkin so that was Jan of 2000 when she was born so it was before that. Mac has become a very big part of my life. I know I would be as lost without her as I would without my Sweetie. I value her friendship, her opinions, her thoughts, herself. She's a wonderful friend and has ALWAYS been there for me when I need her. I can talk to her about anything, embarrassing or not! We always have something to talk about, and are there when needed no questions asked. Mac, I love you like a sister, I consider us that close. I know I'll be moving out of state next year, but that won't change our friendship. I thank the powers that be all the time that we met.

I just wanted you to know that Mac. I want you to know that you are very special to me. I love you guys. :)

Like that quote, "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family." In this case you can. I consider you guys family. I CHOOSE you!!!

A little background Mac and her husband went to high school with my Sweetie! :D So are all very close (with me being the baby of the group as I'm about 8 or 9 years younger than them all).

Ok, now I'm done being all mushy for tonight. I think I'll go take care of my email and if I'm still awake, maybe I'll play in Paint Shop Pro a bit, but I think I might just go to bed after email. I think I'm about all talked out for tonight. I should be... I created this blog 5 days ago and this is my 16th entry!

Senior year of high school came and it was time to choose a college. I didn't want to go, I wasn't ready. I was scared of being away from home for so long and not sure I was ready to grow up. In the end I applied to 3 different colleges and got accepted to all of them. The one I chose was University of Maine at Orono. Why? Because that's where Christina was going and if I was going I wanted my best friend with me. So we went and became roommates at least for the first couple of years.

The summer between high school and college was an eventful one. I was a pain in the ass. I was 17 and felt that I was an adult so I could do what I wanted and my parents (namely my father as I was living with him at the time) couldn't do a damn thing about it. Whenever Chris (Christina) and I would go somewhere he'd want details and he'd want to know when we'd be back. I'd tell him what we were doing and I'd say we'd be back when we got back. I was mean. I took advantage of him and generally walked all over him. In hindsight, I regret it. I regret not listening to him, I regret not respecting him as much as I should have. I miss him so very much and I think of him alot. :(

That summer Chris and I got a job at a telemarketing place. We hated it. I lasted longer than her though. lol There is where I met this guy. We'll call him H. He was very cute and seemed to like me. We started going out and hung out on breaks and even went to my friend's house (Jon) with him. Jon and I were VERY good friends. Well one night while walking back from Jon's house H kept trying to get me to "do it" with him. I kept saying no. We got back to my apartment and in the hallway outside the apartment he asked me again, I said no. So we went for a walk (in hindsight I should just have said goodbye and gone home) and outside near a park is where he raped me. I kept saying no, I tried pushing him away, but it didn't work. He wouldn't listen to me so I just shut down. I stopped paying attention and tried to think of other things. When he was done we tried our best to clean up and walked back to my dad's house. When we got in I put a smile on my face and pretended everything was alright. I went to the bathroom to clean up and when I came out he was still there talking with my dad! I said goodbye to him and made him leave. I never told my father, ever. Nobody knew except my sister, my cousin Melissa, Chris, Jon and my friend Heather. Jon and I spoke on the phone almost every night while trying to fall asleep. I told him what had happened and he told me if I wanted him to he would have him beat up, killed, whatever. I told him not to do anything as I didn't want him to get into trouble. Now Jon has/had cancer, had a central line in, and was on crutches. He couldn't have done this himself but would have willingly gotten one of his friends to do it. Jon was very protective of me and I loved him for it. Heather and Chris brought me to a clinic where I was tested for HIV and all the other STDS. Thankfully everything came back negative. 6 months later I was tested again to be sure and it came back negative again. I was very terrified for a long time. I regretted not saying anything and not reporting him to the police as he did the same thing to another girl (also a minor - he was not a minor). Fortunately she pressed charges and he went to jail for awhile. That's the last I heard of him.

My sweetie thinks this whole incident is why I have never been able to really enjoy sex, have an orgasm or anything. I can pretty much do without sex. I find that my mind wanders even now. I try so hard to focus on the present and what is currently happeneing but my mind strays. Sometimes it strays to the mundane chores that need to be done, often just to something else. NEVER to someone else though. I'm loyal to my husband and I love him very much. I don't think I could bear life without him. He has been so sweet to me about this too. He's bought me books and videos to try to overcome it but I fear nothing will. There's been a couple of times where I thought I may have had a small orgasm, but I'm not sure. We still try, and he's good to me, never pushes me beyond my comforts and is certainly patient with me considering my lack of a sex drive. lol Poor guy!!!

Ok, now for college. Isn't that what this was supposed to be about? My first semester of college Chris and I joined the marching band together. Again, me joining the colorguard, she plays the trumpet. I had a blast, the shows we did were awesome. One was the Wizard of Oz (I was the scare crow) and the 2nd was a Paul Simon show. :) Because of that I lost about 40lbs freshman year! Instead of gaining the freshman 15, I lost 40!!! At the end of the 2nd semester (May 1st acutally - May Day - Belatane) I met Sweetie. I had joined PaCO (Pagan Campus Organization). I wasn't a Pagan at the time (although I am now) I was just meeting new people and exploring religions. I actually met Sweetie's brother first (he's very intimidating!). Well this day I went with a couple of friends. One was a guy who we'll call J. The girl I can't remember her name so we'll call her A. Well earlier that day A and J and I went shopping where J bought me a new tshirt that he wanted me to wear that night. You see J had a crush on me and wanted to get into my pants. I was 18 at the time and he was 34. I was having NONE of it. A and I were both underaged. J bought us some booze to drink at the bonfire that night. We got SOOOOO freaking drunk. Other people saw what J was trying to do (I didn't until the ride home) and thought he was dispicable. J kept asking me if I wanted to do something and I kept saying no so he went to sulk by the fence away from everyone. A and I thought we should go cheer him up. So we went up to him and flashed him! LOL That was the wildest thing I ever did in college. lol Well at this point I was so drunk I was staggering around. (It was probably the first time I drank at college.) Sweetie, unbeknownst to me, spoke to J and told him to leave me the hell alone. He did, until it was time to leave. Anyway, Sweetie took me under his wing that night. When the cops came (remember I'm drunk off my ass here) he took me into the woods to hide. A and her boyfriend also went into the woods. They were making out next to a tree and Sweetie just held me and made it look like we were doing something more which we weren't as I had only met the guy that night. The cops came into the woods! There was a path so when they shined their headlights on us it just looked like a couple of couples were "having fun" away from the party. After the cops left Sweetie and I laid on the grass staring at the stars and just chatted. It was really sweet. After that we started chatting online and eventually going on dates (this was summer 1999). There was another bonfire later that summer (I had gone home for the summer - remember home was 2 hours away) and Sweetie came to get me so I could go. I spent the night at his house. I slept on the couch and he was the perfect gentleman. This was the 2nd time we saw each other face to face.

December 14, 1999 was when we officially became a couple. :) He was so sweet. Still is too. :) June 21, 2001 (4 months after my dad died) we got married. :) In June of 2002 I found out I was pregnant! I was so excited. Unfortuantely things didn't work out, when we had an ultrasound there was something wrong with the baby and in August I miscarried. :( We both took it really hard. Sweetie kind of closed up and has never been the same since. Since then he has hated kids (except family and friends of course) and hasn't wanted children since. The beginning of this year he had a vasectomy so now it's no longer on the table anymore. Of course should we ever get our lives straightened out we could always adopt, but I'm really thinking that children are not for us anyway. We are just not in the right place for it, mentally or physically. We've certainly had our bumps along the way but we've made it this far. We've been together for almost 8 years and married for 6 and a half. :)

Oh yes before I forget. College, the first year and a half I studied Accounting but stopped when I wasn't doing well. I wanted to switch to bookkeeping but the dean would not let me because "I would not make enough money at it". Her words. So I switched to education where I dropped out in 2002 after my miscarriage when I suffered through major depression. I've since tried to go back to college to study Graphic design but finances fell through for that so I couldn't do it. I think someday I might want to go back, but I'm just not sure as to what I would do. Until then I'll float along.

Well the plain and simple reason is that I'm trying to figure out who I am, why I am the way I am, and because I'm hoping it help people who read my blog understand me and maybe offer some insights that I may have missed. I won't be sharing everything for one thing my memory is horrible and there are some things that I may not deam important enough at the moment. I want to apologize for some of the times when I seem to be all over the place. I'm horrible at telling stories and I tend to write things as I think of them weather it's linear or not. Feel free to ask questions anytime. :) I'll answer if I can. :)

Ok, next topic! College!

You know, I hear a lot of people saying how things were so bad for the children when their parents divorce. I'm happy to say it wasn't the case for me. Yeah some things sucked, but in the end I think it was for the best. My parents just weren't compatible. I do have to say that the way it happened sucked big time!!!!

One day when I was in the 7th grade I came home from school and my mother's side of the family was there. I remember it was a nice day out too. Maybe we would have a barbeque! But wait, everyone looks so serious, they were trying to be cheerful. What's going on? My mom took my sister and I into my bedroom and sat us down to talk to us. She told us that Daddy wasn't going to be living with us anymore. She said that they were going to be separated and would most likely be getting a divorce. I remember being upset and crying. Everyone was trying to be so supportive. I couldn't understand it, it wasn't until later on, high school that I started understanding things more clearly.

I learned some things that upset me a great deal and they still bother me to this day. They will probably always bother me.

First I should probably start at the beginning. My parents are 10 years apart. That's quite an age gap especially in those days (they met in 1976). My dad was a waiter at a restaurant that my grandmother and my aunt Joyce went to often. They liked him and wanted to set him up with my mom. So they brought Mom in one day and I guess they hit it off. They started going out, 2 years later they were married. 2 years after that I was born. This next piece I'm going to tell you because I think it might have some relevance later on. Fist I have to explain the living situation. My grandparents on my dad's side owned an apartment building. There were 4 floors and 2 apartments on each floor plus a large apartment (basically a house) in the back. They lived in apartment 1. My parents lived on the 3rd floor in apartment 5. Apartments 6 (my dad's youngest brother) & 9 (my dad's sister) was also family. Plus one of the apartments (I think #8) was family. I think number 8 was where my Aunt Joyce was living at the time. Ok, back to my parents story. When I was an infant (and I was collicky) my dad would sometimes leave and go visit my Aunt Joyce. Well one night my aunt and my father did something unforgiveable. My aunt gave my father a blow job. (Sorry for being blunt here.) My father told me this himself when I was in high school. You see my father was lonely and didn't have a close friend and he used to tell me things that he really should have kept to himself.

Ok, back to things I found out that disturbed me about the divorce. Apparently one of the reasons my parents got divorced is that my grandmother (mom's mother) and Aunt Joyce (yup the same 2 that got them together broke them apart) started spreading rumors around town that my dad was planning to or had already had molested my sister. This is false. This NEVER EVER EVER happened. Why did they do this? One night while my mom was at work, my sister was in the tub. I had gone in to use the bathroom and caught her shaving herself "down there". She was probably 8 or 9 at the time. She wasn't allowed to shave her legs yet, or even touch the razors, but she was curious. I of course being the big sister (and a brat) went and told my father. He told my mother of course, my mother told the family. My grandmother and Aunt tried telling people that my father asked her to do this!!!!!!! Now I know you guys didn't know my father but this is NOT something he would have done. He was a very shy and polite person. Remember me mentioning his stuttering problem and the nuns making fun of him? Well he NEVER got over that. This of course make life very difficult for my father. He never found a girlfriend after this and found it very hard to find a friend to hang out with as well. Hence why he would often share things with me that he probably shouldn't have. Now my father was told his share of dirty jokes, and shared things with me that he probably shouldn't have. But he NEVER EVER EVER molested either one of us. He would rather have died. There is nothing wrong with telling jokes, and sharing like he did.

I will never forget and probably never forgive my grandmother and my aunt for what they did to my father. I love them and always will, but what they did was unforgiveable.

Wow, this has totally gone off on a tangent. I wanted to talk about the good things about the divorce. I shall do that now. Gotta have something good come out of this after all, my parents were not bad parents. They had their fair share of mistakes, but they had lots of good things too. :)

Ok, there were many benefits to have my parents divorced. For one thing, they got along better, they didn't fight so much (and when they did I think they did it away from us which I totally appreciate). When it came to special events for my sister and I they were always there for us. The only times they didn't sit together is when my now step-father went to events with my mom. My Dad was convinced that they were together BEFORE my parents split up but when I asked my mom she denied it. My mom made a promise to me after she kicked my dad out. She promised to always tell me the truth and to treat me like a grown-up. She did too, she was very good about that promise, whether I liked it or not (when it came to chores lol).

Anyway, holidays were more fun with my parents being divorced. I suddenly had many more Christmas parties to go to, more birthday parties, more gifts! When it came to weekends with Dad he used to try to make them special. My mom wouldn't let us go out to eat often because for one thing it's not good for you, but she also didn't have the money for those extras. My father however didn't cook much so that money was used to take us out to eat. He sometimes took us out to expensive restaurants too! I remember this one restaurant, it was so fancy we all dressed up even. It was for our birthdays (both my sister and I are in August) and this restaurant only had 3 things on the menu! Both he and my sister ordered Roast Beef Au Jous. I ordered the chicken. Unfortunately for me it had some sort of breading on it which I thought was really gross. My dad being the sweet man he was switched meals with me even though Roast Beef Au Jous was his favorite. :) I remember the dress I wore, it was the same dress I wore for my high school graduation. I also remember the restaurant had a little gift shop. It had lots of beanie babies. My sister and I each got one and I even got a little outfit for mine. :) I also saw this incredibly cute stuffed dog that I wanted. My dad said no because I already had the beanie baby (this was the summer after I graduated high school so it was around my 18th birthday) so I begged and begged and eventually he let me get it if I paid for half of it. So I did! This is the stuffed animal that I sleep with every night to this day. :) This stuffed dog (named Winston according to the tag he had) is very special to me.

I remember when my parents first split up. The very first visit with my dad was awkward. He was staying in his parent's spare room until an apartment opened up in their building - which it eventually did. That first visit he gave my sister and I presents. He got us EACH a game boy (the original ones that's how long ago it was) and a few games. It was so weird. We of course loved them but it felt like he was trying to be the cool dad ya know? He was always trying to be the fun one the one we'd want to stay with instead of going back home to mom. Now my mother NEVER denied us when we wanted to visit with Dad. When Dad got a computer during my junior year of high school she'd let me go to his place for the night when I had a paper to type up for school. So she was really hurt when we did what we did my senior year.

Weekends were spent with Dad. Mom would sometimes go spend them with her boyfriend (now my step-father). Well one weekend while she was gone Dad brought us back and we packed up a most of our stuff and moved in with him. He never cleared it with my mom. I of course had been wanting to for awhile. It was the 2nd semester of my senior year of high school, I was going to college in the fall. I wanted to live with Dad again before I left for good. After all, I hadn't lived with him since 7th grade. Needless to say, Mom was very upset and VERY hurt. This hurt our relationship quite a bit for awhile. We are fine now, but it was hard for awhile. I don't think she ever forgave Dad for it. She ended up getting rid of that apartment and moving in with her boyfriend. Without my sister and I she didn't see the sense in keeping the apartment when she stayed with him more often than not. I've since apologized to her many times since then but we did lose a bit of our closeness with that.

I miss my father more though. In February of 2001 my father went on a singles cruise. He had been going on these for the past few years and really enjoyed them. We had plans to meet up with him (we as in Sweetie and I) the day after his return. February 16 came pretty darn cold. I was in college at the time and it was some sort of Winter Carnival week. I was outside most of the day (when I wasn't in class) building a snow sculpture for our contest enry (it was for the place where we both worked). That evening after we were done and I met Sweetie in the computer cluster he was supposed to work in that night was when he told me. I came in, exhausted and sore. I sat down and put my head on my desk and was trying to relax. Sweetie was going around the room shutting all the computers down (which since his shift was just starting he shouldn't have been doing) and shutting the blinds. He also shut and locked the door. Now I started getting a funny thought in my head and said, "Oh sweetie, not here, not now, I'm really too tired and sore." Unfortunately THAT was not on his mind. He grabbed a chair and sat in front of me. He told me that he got a call from my mother that afternoon when he got home. He told me that my father had died. I was stunned, I was shocked. It couldn't be. We were going to be seeing him in just a few days, he was away on a cruise having fun! He can't be dead, he just can't. Sweetie was lying. Yes he was, he just had to be. I think I hit him but I'm not sure. Sweetie kept insisting that he was telling the truth and that he was sorry. I lost it, I starting bawling and couldn't stop. I had so much to do, I had to get home, I had to notify my teachers, I had to tell my friend Christina. I sat down and emailed everyone I needed to, said I was going home and didn't know when I would be back. They were all very understanding (except one teacher - after a week she was a pest). When we left the computer cluster I was crying all the way to the car. We went home where I packed (sweetie kindly offered to do it for me but I needed to do it myself). Then we went to his house (which was 2 hours away). I needed to see my sister, she was out back (apartment 9 - my dad was living in his parents old apartment - they had died in 1994 and 1996). I went in to my aunt's and just went to my sister and we just hugged each other and cried. My sister had sprained her ankle and was on crutches at the time. So I had to help her get ready to go to Dad's. We stayed that night in his bed just talking. Eventually I took something to help me sleep but she didn't want any. I think she was on some meds and I didn't know how it would react so I didn't give her any. When I woke up the next morning it was to find her gone and the door to the apartment wide open! Boy was I pissed. She couldn't bare to stay the night so she had a friend come pick her up. I can't blame her but I was still mad at her for not shutting the damn door and locking it. It was a very unsafe neighborhood. To make an already long story a little shorter I became the executor of my father's estate (I was 20 at this time, my sister was 18) and had a VERY hard time doing what needed to be done. Part of it was not knowing what to do. For instance, how do I get his body back? It took over a week just to get it back into the country. It was horrible, when it did come back his body was black. They had done a horrible embalming job. In fact it was so bad that they didn't want my sister and I do identify the body. One of the people who worked at the funeral home was a Kora Shriner with my father and he did it for us. I was thankful for that because I wanted to remember my dad in as plesant a way as possible. The person who did his make up did a wonderful job.

I had a very hard time packing things up at my father's house. In the end my mother and a woman named Linda who used to clean his apartment for him) came to help me. I could not have done it without them and I appreciate everything they did for me.

Ok, I think it's time for a new topic now, don't ya think?

I left off at elementary school so I should start with Junior High School which they now call Middle School.

I had a hard time with middle school. It was then when I developed my first crushes and boy did I have several! There was one boy that I had a huge crush on (R). In the eight grade there was another guy that had a crush on me (S) (but I didn't like him that way, I only liked him as a friend) and he said he would talk to the guy I liked and see if he would go out with me. I later found out he didn't because S wanted to go with me instead. For a little while I did go out with S but it just didn't work for me. I couldn't pretend, I liked him better as a friend. I think I hurt his feelings and for that I felt bad but I just can't fake feelings for a guy. I remember one time I got the courage to ask R over to my Aunt and Uncles for a barbeque and he of course said no. I should probably mention he was VERY cute and in with the popular crowd. I was not. I was and still am one of the "fat" ones. I wonder how many jokes he and his friends made at my expense over that one. Ah well, that's alright.

I remember eight grade was when I decided to experiment with make up. Oh boy! I made so many mistakes. I put it on too dark. My french teacher even referred to me as the girl who wore too much make up!!! See my mother wouldn't let me wear make up. She left for work before I left for school so after she'd leave I'd use her make up. By high school though she got me my own make up and taught me how to use it. MUCH BETTER! LOL

Junior high was a period of self discovery. My feelings of never being popular were cemented here. My friends that I had in my first elementary school didn't talk with me anymore and that was sad. Well I shouldn't say all of them because some did. Junior high was when I became good friends with Tracy. See we had met in the 5th grade but we didn't really get a chance to know each other that well. In Junior High we rode the bus together and became good friends. :) I stuck by her throughout high school and was even her maid of honor for her wedding. (Unfortunately now I hear she's divorced). She got married a year before I did. She had a rough time because in our Freshman year she got pregnant (as did my cousin Melissa). She lost alot of friends because of that (which I'll never understand) and I was one of the few that supported her and stuck by her. I'm very proud to say that she went on to finish high school and take some college classes as well. Where she is now though I don't know because sadly we aren't in contact anymore. :( This saddens me a great deal. My cousin Melissa let's not forget her, she dropped out of high school shortly before her daughter was born (beginning of our sophmore year). I have no idea if she ever got her GED or not but we no longer speak (for other reasons - a story for another time).

In Junior high I belonged to the drama club at least in the 7th grade I was. I was never in the plays I was part of the tech crew. One of the plays (Something's Rotten in the State of Denmark) I did the sound system. I even had 1 line! The 2nd play of the year (Superman) I was part of the stage tech crew moving the sets around. I had fun with that too but I preferred doing the sounds. I really wish I could have done the lighting but my friend Shelley did that.

In high school I did many extra curricular activities. I joined AFJROTC (Air Force Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps), it was a blast! Just with that program which I was a member of all 4 years of high school I took part in the Model Rocketry Club, Flight Simulator Club, and several of the drill teams (IDR - Individual Drill Regulation, TDR - Team Drill Regulation, CO-Ed, Colorguard, and All Girl team). My junior and senior year I was the we'll say Captain of the Colorguard. My freshman year they had to expand the Co-Ed team because I wanted to join so badly! When I started out I was of course like all other freshman the lowest rank possible. However, I'm proud to say that when I graduated I held the highest rank and position a student could hold! And I was the first girl to do it! Needless to say JROTC was a big part of my life and was the soul reason I finished high school. I had practices for drill teams every day after school except for Friday. Also, in my Junior and Senior year I joined the Band. No I didn't play an instrument (although I briefly played the Violin in the 5th grade), I joined the Colorguard. And during the Winter of senior year I also did Winterguard. I really wish I had started with that Freshman year, I had so much fun!

I'm all over the place here so I hope you forgive me and I hope you can follow along.

In 2nd grade I met my friend Christina. She tells me (I've got a poor memory) that we weren't friends at first. However, we are still friends today and she is the friend that I've had the longest. Sadly, I don't see her often as she's living in Oklahoma (and am proud to say she's working on her doctorate and is engaged to a wonderful guy - who I hope to meet someday). She only gets to come up here to Maine once a year. I hope to get to see her this next time as I missed her last time. She's quite busy so I don't get to chat with her often.

June 5, 1998 - I graduated high school. I was only 17 years old! It was a very important day. :)

My parents were so proud of me, especially my dad as he never did graduate from high school. He dropped out in the 9th grade when everyone including the nuns (yes he went to a catholic school) made fun of him because of his stuttering problem. Because of that and other reasons I'm sure my father was a very sensitive man. So it hurt him a great deal when in 1992 my mother kicked him out of the house and they got a divorce.

Ok, I'm wrapping this up now, and will talk more in another post. I don't want to lose this.