Ok, so I'm not sure how much I've said on the matter of my husband. My husband has been declared disabled. He has severe depression, severe anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. What happened this afternoon has only happened once in my presence. Today my Sweetie disassociated. The last time it happened he at least recognized me so I was able to help him. Today he didn't even recognize me it was so very scary. The poor guy is so embarrassed about it he doesn't want anyone to know. He feels bad that the crisis hotline people and his own mother knows. Mac, since I know you're going to read this, I personally don't mind if you share it with your Honey but don't let my Sweetie know you know. I'm not sure if he's going to want to tell you, he's pretty embarrassed about the whole thing. Ok so what happened was, we were discussing the whole divorce thing (which is going to be dropped and we are going back to waiting for P to die and going to stay here unless we can go section 8), and my Sweetie got upset. He didn't pound things or show that he was upset like he usually does, but knowing how he gets when he got up to leave the room I followed him downstairs into our bedroom where I could him getting dressed (he was wearing his nightshirt). I asked him if he was going for a walk and if I could come too (I started getting dressed - I was wearing my pjs - didn't want you guys to think we were running around naked lol). He said no, he wanted to be dressed in case we had to get out of the house in a hurry (which means he was going to cut himself). Ok, so I went into my "calm him down play every card in the book you can" to get him to relax mode. NOTHING worked. I tried everything. Then his mother came down and tried to continue the conversation we were having upstairs. I stepped out of my bedroom and into our living room and talked to her a minute and I noticed that my Sweetie had crawled onto the floor and was cuddling with a pillow and curled up in the fetal position. Ok so I realize he's trying to escape. He as on the floor next to his side of the bed, so I got on the bed on his side and reached down to rub his back and tried to reassure him. He flinched!!!! He jerked away from me and was cowering. I knew then that this wasn't like any previous "event" he's had. I tried to get him to look at me, I told him who I was, kept telling him that he was safe, but he wouldn't look at me and he kept flinching (I had to stop trying to touch him) and cowering. So I kept trying, kept trying to get him to look at me. I felt that if he would just look at me then he would know it was me and would be ok. At one point he sort of looked my way and I noticed his eyes were looking wild, they kept looking side to side. He looked like he was terrified of something or someone (he later told me he was terrified). After a bit he got up quickly (which I moved quickly to the end of the bed sorta blocking him in cause I feared he would go for a sharp object - considering he was right next to his alter his ceremonial athame and his boline were right there) and he freaked, he climbed onto the bed and crawled across like a wild animal and ran into the closet where he sat and complete covered himself with a blanket (Mac it was my Tweety one - thought ought to give you a little visual and a chuckle anyway). I went to him and tried again calling his name and telling him who I was and he kept flinching and cowering so I left the room. I went out to the living room where his Mom was and called the crisis hotline. I talked with them a bit and was near tears and quite panicky for a little bit but I think I did pretty good. While I was talking to them and explaining what is going on I kept checking on Sweetie. Sweetie stayed in the closet the whole time. Now to give you a little visual on my Sweetie he's about 6' tall and 310 lbs (he's lost 20-30lbs yay!). He's been working out and is quite strong. He could easily kill someone with a kick and has very strong arms as well. So while he was in this state I was scared. If he didn't recognize me for who I was then I feared he would hurt me. I knew I couldn't control him and bring him to the ER as I couldn't even get him out of my closet. So the ladies at the crisis hotline told me I should call 911 to get someone to come help me to take him to the hospital. I told them I would. I wanted to check on Sweetie just one more time. So I went in, got into a position where I felt like couldn't hurt me if he flinched or moved quickly. I reached into the closet and touched his leg. No movement. What the hell? Slight panic here. What did he get into while I was in the other part of the celler on the phone. I rub his leg a little harder and call out his name. He picks his head up, his eyes are all watery and red, he looks around and says, "What am I doing in the closet?". He had fallen asleep!! It was over, he was back to his normal self. I got him out of the closet (which wasn't easy in the position he was in and me with 2 wrists with carpal tunnel, 1 shoulder with tendonitis and not supposed to be lifting more than a couple of pounds). But I got him out got him on the bed, checked with him to see if he was in any immediate danger. Reassured his Mom. Talked to him for a minute and called crisis back to let them know everything was ok (didn't want them to send the cops or an ambulance over when they didn't hear back from me - they were expecting me to call them back in 3 minutes). I then talked with Sweetie and he didn't remember any of it. He didn't feel any strong urges to hurt himself either. So we did end up going for that walk and he talked to his brother for a while and that helped. He's ok now. All that took about 30-45 minutes. I think I got a few more gray hairs now. lol As soon as he woke up I felt this rush of relief over me. I knew everything was going to be ok.
So now what does Sweetie want to do? He wants to go away for a couple of days to Bangor and stay in a hotel with high speed internet so we can play video games (and I can get some downloads in) better. He also wants to go visit his brother for a weekend. There is a long weekend coming up for the schools in November and he's going to see if we (Mom wants to come to) can go visit then.
Unfortunately we can't go this week, we were planning on going tomorrow and coming back on Thursday after his counseling appointment but then his Mom reminded us that we had to be here because the BLEEPING tv repair man was finally coming. SOOOOO Sweetie had to cancel the reservations we had made just minutes before. I SOOOO hope we don't get charged any fee for that. So we get our hopes up to move, we get our hopes up to go play out of town for a couple of days.... and BOOOOM!!! Everything gets shut down and shoved off. I'm SOOOO not happy about this. I've recovered from Sweetie's "event" this afternoon but now I'm REALLY pissed off about this whole thing about the tv. Mom can't take any time off from work (and this is a whole other matter) because there is nobody to drive her bus (she's a transportation director for a school district and isn't even supposed to be driving but because of the driver shortage she has to) yet the other drivers can take time off for reasons more stupid than this. There's been drivers who have taken time off for things happening to a friend of a friend of an acquaintance all the time.
Anyway, sorry for ranting if you're still here WOW!!! Compliments to you for still being here.
Hope your day was better than mine.
**hugs and love**
~Cerelia
