So yesterday I came out to the world so to speak to let everyone know what is going on in my head at least what the doctors think. I have received so many letters of support that I'm still working on replying to each and every one of them. Not a one from the stream though. Not a one. I know I don't know that many people so I shouldn't feel hurt or sad but I do. It's like people are avoiding the issue as there were replies to the quiz in between those 2 posts. If you are avoiding the issue because you don't know how to talk to me anymore, know that I'm still the same moody person as always who gives to her friends as much as she can. The only difference now is that I'm receiving the help I need so I can maybe figure this out and get better and be a better person. If you don't want to talk about it fine, whatever.

So yesterday after pulling an all nighter and having 2 5 hour energy drinks (which the caffeine didn't affect me nearly as bad as I thought it would have - I just wouldn't want to have much of it while traveling) I was on an emotional high. Everything was great last night until it was time for bed and my new night med dosage caused me to hallucinate, have interrupted sleep, nightmarish racing thoughts, and not very well rested sleep. I was in bed for over 12 hours (after being up for 37) and I woke up groggy and needing more sleep. Didn't feel much like using the computer so I finished reading book 3 in the Anita Blake series. It took 3 books but now I'm hookied and look forward to reading the 4th. Tomorrow I have to call my psychiatrist to talk about my meds, I don't like this constant grogginess. I couldn't even go to the store because I can't even drive! And neither can my Sweetie has he's too tired and on pain meds. So we've got almost no food, almost no money, food stamps are gone, and I couldn't drive to the store and neither can he. One of us is going to have to go off their meds to drive us to the store that is about a mile away!

Tomorrow my BIL and his wife are coming down for a few days. I imagine they aren't going to stay very long as we are going to be at their house on the 5th of August to house sit for them for 2 weeks. As a thank you for us house sitting for them (their cat requires daily meds) they are providing all the food we'll need while we are down there and have suggested a few places to go to including a farmer's market that happens every Saturday. I'm looking forward to checking that out and getting some good deals on some fresh produce. What is up with the prices these days? I mean I know it all boils down to oil prices but still, enough is enough.

Well reading cheered me up a little bit but now I'm down again. I still can't believe they took me off one of my antidepressents. I'm sure part of the turmoil I'm feeling is the whole med changes, but I hope they can do something about it because the thought of being bipolar shouldn't feel like such a death sentence. Wow... sometimes you just get on a roll with typing what thoughts pop out of your head and sometimes you are surprised what pops out. Is that how I feel about the potential of being bipolar feels like? Do I think it's the end? There are plenty of meds out there that have been proven to work to help people function, I just have to wait until they get it right. And then there's always therapy which I'm STILL upset about not having been set up with. I don't know, I thought of the perfect image to describe how I feel but if only I had the artistic talent to draw it. The best explanation I can give is picture a brain, imagine all the deep grooves in the brain so it kinda appears to be a big long rope or tube all twisted into the shape of a brain? Well straighten that out and tangle it up as much as possible. Then imagine a face on it. One of those with the mouths sideways kinda like this one but with eyes kinda like this . I dunno... it's just a lot to think about and a lot to sort through. I'm keeping a journal on my desk to write down my reactions to the meds and how I'm feeling so I can bring it into my next appointment that is a few weeks away.

Well I guess I've bored you enough for now, I'm goign to see if I can be creative for awhile, or maybe just lay on the couch and watch tv. I don't know. Just feeling down right now.

**hugs and love**
~Cerelia, Resident Lunatic

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I can pass this guy."

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I dunno, press the button and find out."

Tomorrow I'm going to my first psychiatrist appointment. We'll do intake and paperwork and try to get me set up with a counselor as well. I'll be going alone without my Sweetie. There are things I want to talk about that I can't talk with them with him right there. He's worried about me because I haven't been myself for awhile. I've been having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. Sometimes it's just the mention of exercise, sometimes it's the mention of leaving the house, sometimes it's just when we are out and about and we go somewhere and I get these feelings of impending doom. I feel extremely panicky and I feel like something bad is going to happen and I can't do anything about it. Sometimes it helps if Sweetie just holds me for awhile and talks calmy and quietly to me. He says he's got a new appreciate for what I've been going through the last several years with him. I suppose that's a good thing but why is this happening to me? I wouldn't think this was contagious but I've got it. There are days when I'm really high (not drug high but on an emotional high) and then there are days when I'm really low. I've been on a low for several days, but have had a few highs during the days, it's really bizarre. All this topsy turvey is really starting to annoy me. For awhile I had some suicidal thoughts and they went away from me for awhile and now they are back. I don't want them but they are fighting their way though. I've got the questions, why am I here, what is my purpose, what can I do? I start things and can't always complete them. It takes me hours to do something that normally would be quick and easy. I sit around and stare into space and weird thoughts pop into my head. I've thought of different ways to commit suicide but I'm not there yet, I'm not ready to act on them and I hope I never am, but why are these thoughts popping into my head? Where have they come from and why? I've also been having problems with my eating habits. Nothing satisfies me. I don't know what to do there, I try a little salad, a little fruit, some diet ice cream, some virtually (94%) fat free popcorn and it doesn't always satisfy me. It's yummy while I got it but then I want more of something else. I just had some fresh strawberries and they were yummy. But now I want something else and it's pissing me off because I don't know what I want. I feel like binging and just eating whatever I find but I kinda did that last weekend and I ended up gaining a few pounds back. :(

There are days, ok a lot of them, that I feel like my health and my wants and needs are being put on hold and everything is about my Sweetie. I've been overcompensating for that lately, I've bought some graphics, a new ring, my mother in law has bought me 3 new rings and gave me one of hers. Unfortunately one of the rings she gave me the stone fell out and I'm really upset about that. It was a tanzanite and was shaped very closely to my promise ring that my Sweetie got me only it was in white gold and had a tanzanite instead of yellow gold with blue topaz. I also have 2 really pretty new necklaces. I've got this gorgeous pink saffire butterfly necklace with a while gold chain and I got a beautiful blue topaz (another color of topaz a bit darker blue can't remember the name) dragonfly with a white gold chain. I got that last weekend. My MIL felt bad because she got me that one and so she bought X-Files on dvd (the complete series) for my Sweetie. The price was very low as they were on sale on WalMart. Only $20 a season. That's a good price for a season of a tv show. So I've been overcompansating by spending lots of money that we don't have on me and limiting what we spend for my Sweetie. Is that fair no, and I feel bad and it makes it all the worse and I end up just spending more. We have the use of my MIL's credit card. We have one in each of our names and we pay the bill every month. Well the card is maxed and it's limit is more than we make in a year! Plus we each got our own credit card to use on fun stuff for ourselves that is small both are nearly maxed. I will say though that not all purchases on there are fun ones. We've had to use it to buy groceries, cleaning supplies, and when things break we have to replace them. I'm starting a new work at home job and I really need to get my butt in gear and finish the training but again when I think about doing it I start to panic. I have no idea why because it's got great potential.

There are days when I share how I'm feeling with my Sweetie and he would take it really badly. He would either feel like it was all his fault and I would end up turning around and having to comfort him when all I want to do is curl up and cry. Then there are times hwen I can really talk to him and he gives me all the support I need, he can really come through for me. I must admit that's the result that is coming through lately. I really appreciate him and love him with all my heart and soul and I'm glad I've got him here for me.

Like I said tomorrow is my first psychiatrist appointment and other than paperwork and other intake stuff I really don't know what to expect. A friend of mine goes there and she gets help, apparently they are really good with helping even if you can't pay. If your insurance won't pay for it and you can't afford it then you don't have to pay. I don't know how they do it but if I qualify for help there I'm surely going to appreciate it. What's weird is that this place isn't a regular doctors office it's actually a mental hospital. There are 2 in the area and the one I'm going to is the more commonly known one I THINK. So anyone who knows the area can probably guess.

I took a couple of my sweetie's little blue pills as I was getting worked up about tomorrows visit so I'm feeling a bit relaxed and I'm going to go work on a tag for my entry in a contest.

So that's what has been up with me, I hope you all are having better times than I am at the moment. Take care of yourselves and I'll be back when I feel up to it.

Oh before I forget, I do have a bit of good news. I got my desktop back. They replaced the motherboard this time. So I've got 3 new pieces of hardware in my computer since it's purchase in December. If one more piece of hardware fails then I get a new computer under hte lemon law. My Sweetie's desktop is back and they didn't need to replace anything. He needs 2 more peices of hardware to be replaced before he qualifies for the lemon law thing. His laptop has been brought back in as it's screen has been messing up again. If they replace it again it will be the 3rd one and if it happens again then he'd get a new laptop. I've only had 1 thing replaced on my laptop so I doubt mine would be getting replaced although it would be way cool. lol

Ok, I'm really signing off now, you guys have probably stopped ready by now anyway. lol

Goodnight and hope you have a great day tomorrow.

**hugs and love**
~Cerelia