So I have a late night meal in the microwave (as I haven't had enough calories for the day... again...) and as I was heading out to go get it I was walking backwards towards my Sweetie. You see, Sweetie REALLY likes my butt. And I like it when I walk by and squeezes it, or caresses it and sometimes I fool around and make him kiss my butt cheeks. I know... I know... weird... but it's all in good fun. Well anyway, I was walking backwards towards him and I lifted my nightgown to show him my panties and I get closer he says "OMG I can smell it from here" Remember now that I've got some food in the microwave. Which is from Helen's Kitchen and it's Indian Curry. He WAS talking about the food and I knew that but it was just so damn funny.

I guess you just had to be there.

Friends come and go in your life. It's sad but it's true. There are friends that I've had that we've just grown apart because we don't have live near each other and because our interests change. We don't just fight and break it off, life just happens. I have some friends that if I lost I would truley be devastated.

Now you've heard me mention Chris (Christina), Tracy, and Mac (fellow blog user linked on the right there). Chris is the one I've known the longest. We don't talk as often as I'd like, but we are still good friends. Tracy, I haven't talked to in years and I think about her often, but I think if we saw each other now it would be nice, we'd probably hug and it would be different. I think we've both changed too much.

Now Mac, she's been there for me since probably end of 1999, early 2000. When I met her she was very pregnant with her little Pumpkin so that was Jan of 2000 when she was born so it was before that. Mac has become a very big part of my life. I know I would be as lost without her as I would without my Sweetie. I value her friendship, her opinions, her thoughts, herself. She's a wonderful friend and has ALWAYS been there for me when I need her. I can talk to her about anything, embarrassing or not! We always have something to talk about, and are there when needed no questions asked. Mac, I love you like a sister, I consider us that close. I know I'll be moving out of state next year, but that won't change our friendship. I thank the powers that be all the time that we met.

I just wanted you to know that Mac. I want you to know that you are very special to me. I love you guys. :)

Like that quote, "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family." In this case you can. I consider you guys family. I CHOOSE you!!!

A little background Mac and her husband went to high school with my Sweetie! :D So are all very close (with me being the baby of the group as I'm about 8 or 9 years younger than them all).

Ok, now I'm done being all mushy for tonight. I think I'll go take care of my email and if I'm still awake, maybe I'll play in Paint Shop Pro a bit, but I think I might just go to bed after email. I think I'm about all talked out for tonight. I should be... I created this blog 5 days ago and this is my 16th entry!

Senior year of high school came and it was time to choose a college. I didn't want to go, I wasn't ready. I was scared of being away from home for so long and not sure I was ready to grow up. In the end I applied to 3 different colleges and got accepted to all of them. The one I chose was University of Maine at Orono. Why? Because that's where Christina was going and if I was going I wanted my best friend with me. So we went and became roommates at least for the first couple of years.

The summer between high school and college was an eventful one. I was a pain in the ass. I was 17 and felt that I was an adult so I could do what I wanted and my parents (namely my father as I was living with him at the time) couldn't do a damn thing about it. Whenever Chris (Christina) and I would go somewhere he'd want details and he'd want to know when we'd be back. I'd tell him what we were doing and I'd say we'd be back when we got back. I was mean. I took advantage of him and generally walked all over him. In hindsight, I regret it. I regret not listening to him, I regret not respecting him as much as I should have. I miss him so very much and I think of him alot. :(

That summer Chris and I got a job at a telemarketing place. We hated it. I lasted longer than her though. lol There is where I met this guy. We'll call him H. He was very cute and seemed to like me. We started going out and hung out on breaks and even went to my friend's house (Jon) with him. Jon and I were VERY good friends. Well one night while walking back from Jon's house H kept trying to get me to "do it" with him. I kept saying no. We got back to my apartment and in the hallway outside the apartment he asked me again, I said no. So we went for a walk (in hindsight I should just have said goodbye and gone home) and outside near a park is where he raped me. I kept saying no, I tried pushing him away, but it didn't work. He wouldn't listen to me so I just shut down. I stopped paying attention and tried to think of other things. When he was done we tried our best to clean up and walked back to my dad's house. When we got in I put a smile on my face and pretended everything was alright. I went to the bathroom to clean up and when I came out he was still there talking with my dad! I said goodbye to him and made him leave. I never told my father, ever. Nobody knew except my sister, my cousin Melissa, Chris, Jon and my friend Heather. Jon and I spoke on the phone almost every night while trying to fall asleep. I told him what had happened and he told me if I wanted him to he would have him beat up, killed, whatever. I told him not to do anything as I didn't want him to get into trouble. Now Jon has/had cancer, had a central line in, and was on crutches. He couldn't have done this himself but would have willingly gotten one of his friends to do it. Jon was very protective of me and I loved him for it. Heather and Chris brought me to a clinic where I was tested for HIV and all the other STDS. Thankfully everything came back negative. 6 months later I was tested again to be sure and it came back negative again. I was very terrified for a long time. I regretted not saying anything and not reporting him to the police as he did the same thing to another girl (also a minor - he was not a minor). Fortunately she pressed charges and he went to jail for awhile. That's the last I heard of him.

My sweetie thinks this whole incident is why I have never been able to really enjoy sex, have an orgasm or anything. I can pretty much do without sex. I find that my mind wanders even now. I try so hard to focus on the present and what is currently happeneing but my mind strays. Sometimes it strays to the mundane chores that need to be done, often just to something else. NEVER to someone else though. I'm loyal to my husband and I love him very much. I don't think I could bear life without him. He has been so sweet to me about this too. He's bought me books and videos to try to overcome it but I fear nothing will. There's been a couple of times where I thought I may have had a small orgasm, but I'm not sure. We still try, and he's good to me, never pushes me beyond my comforts and is certainly patient with me considering my lack of a sex drive. lol Poor guy!!!

Ok, now for college. Isn't that what this was supposed to be about? My first semester of college Chris and I joined the marching band together. Again, me joining the colorguard, she plays the trumpet. I had a blast, the shows we did were awesome. One was the Wizard of Oz (I was the scare crow) and the 2nd was a Paul Simon show. :) Because of that I lost about 40lbs freshman year! Instead of gaining the freshman 15, I lost 40!!! At the end of the 2nd semester (May 1st acutally - May Day - Belatane) I met Sweetie. I had joined PaCO (Pagan Campus Organization). I wasn't a Pagan at the time (although I am now) I was just meeting new people and exploring religions. I actually met Sweetie's brother first (he's very intimidating!). Well this day I went with a couple of friends. One was a guy who we'll call J. The girl I can't remember her name so we'll call her A. Well earlier that day A and J and I went shopping where J bought me a new tshirt that he wanted me to wear that night. You see J had a crush on me and wanted to get into my pants. I was 18 at the time and he was 34. I was having NONE of it. A and I were both underaged. J bought us some booze to drink at the bonfire that night. We got SOOOOO freaking drunk. Other people saw what J was trying to do (I didn't until the ride home) and thought he was dispicable. J kept asking me if I wanted to do something and I kept saying no so he went to sulk by the fence away from everyone. A and I thought we should go cheer him up. So we went up to him and flashed him! LOL That was the wildest thing I ever did in college. lol Well at this point I was so drunk I was staggering around. (It was probably the first time I drank at college.) Sweetie, unbeknownst to me, spoke to J and told him to leave me the hell alone. He did, until it was time to leave. Anyway, Sweetie took me under his wing that night. When the cops came (remember I'm drunk off my ass here) he took me into the woods to hide. A and her boyfriend also went into the woods. They were making out next to a tree and Sweetie just held me and made it look like we were doing something more which we weren't as I had only met the guy that night. The cops came into the woods! There was a path so when they shined their headlights on us it just looked like a couple of couples were "having fun" away from the party. After the cops left Sweetie and I laid on the grass staring at the stars and just chatted. It was really sweet. After that we started chatting online and eventually going on dates (this was summer 1999). There was another bonfire later that summer (I had gone home for the summer - remember home was 2 hours away) and Sweetie came to get me so I could go. I spent the night at his house. I slept on the couch and he was the perfect gentleman. This was the 2nd time we saw each other face to face.

December 14, 1999 was when we officially became a couple. :) He was so sweet. Still is too. :) June 21, 2001 (4 months after my dad died) we got married. :) In June of 2002 I found out I was pregnant! I was so excited. Unfortuantely things didn't work out, when we had an ultrasound there was something wrong with the baby and in August I miscarried. :( We both took it really hard. Sweetie kind of closed up and has never been the same since. Since then he has hated kids (except family and friends of course) and hasn't wanted children since. The beginning of this year he had a vasectomy so now it's no longer on the table anymore. Of course should we ever get our lives straightened out we could always adopt, but I'm really thinking that children are not for us anyway. We are just not in the right place for it, mentally or physically. We've certainly had our bumps along the way but we've made it this far. We've been together for almost 8 years and married for 6 and a half. :)

Oh yes before I forget. College, the first year and a half I studied Accounting but stopped when I wasn't doing well. I wanted to switch to bookkeeping but the dean would not let me because "I would not make enough money at it". Her words. So I switched to education where I dropped out in 2002 after my miscarriage when I suffered through major depression. I've since tried to go back to college to study Graphic design but finances fell through for that so I couldn't do it. I think someday I might want to go back, but I'm just not sure as to what I would do. Until then I'll float along.

Well the plain and simple reason is that I'm trying to figure out who I am, why I am the way I am, and because I'm hoping it help people who read my blog understand me and maybe offer some insights that I may have missed. I won't be sharing everything for one thing my memory is horrible and there are some things that I may not deam important enough at the moment. I want to apologize for some of the times when I seem to be all over the place. I'm horrible at telling stories and I tend to write things as I think of them weather it's linear or not. Feel free to ask questions anytime. :) I'll answer if I can. :)

Ok, next topic! College!