Ok, so I'm not sure how much I've said on the matter of my husband. My husband has been declared disabled. He has severe depression, severe anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. What happened this afternoon has only happened once in my presence. Today my Sweetie disassociated. The last time it happened he at least recognized me so I was able to help him. Today he didn't even recognize me it was so very scary. The poor guy is so embarrassed about it he doesn't want anyone to know. He feels bad that the crisis hotline people and his own mother knows. Mac, since I know you're going to read this, I personally don't mind if you share it with your Honey but don't let my Sweetie know you know. I'm not sure if he's going to want to tell you, he's pretty embarrassed about the whole thing. Ok so what happened was, we were discussing the whole divorce thing (which is going to be dropped and we are going back to waiting for P to die and going to stay here unless we can go section 8), and my Sweetie got upset. He didn't pound things or show that he was upset like he usually does, but knowing how he gets when he got up to leave the room I followed him downstairs into our bedroom where I could him getting dressed (he was wearing his nightshirt). I asked him if he was going for a walk and if I could come too (I started getting dressed - I was wearing my pjs - didn't want you guys to think we were running around naked lol). He said no, he wanted to be dressed in case we had to get out of the house in a hurry (which means he was going to cut himself). Ok, so I went into my "calm him down play every card in the book you can" to get him to relax mode. NOTHING worked. I tried everything. Then his mother came down and tried to continue the conversation we were having upstairs. I stepped out of my bedroom and into our living room and talked to her a minute and I noticed that my Sweetie had crawled onto the floor and was cuddling with a pillow and curled up in the fetal position. Ok so I realize he's trying to escape. He as on the floor next to his side of the bed, so I got on the bed on his side and reached down to rub his back and tried to reassure him. He flinched!!!! He jerked away from me and was cowering. I knew then that this wasn't like any previous "event" he's had. I tried to get him to look at me, I told him who I was, kept telling him that he was safe, but he wouldn't look at me and he kept flinching (I had to stop trying to touch him) and cowering. So I kept trying, kept trying to get him to look at me. I felt that if he would just look at me then he would know it was me and would be ok. At one point he sort of looked my way and I noticed his eyes were looking wild, they kept looking side to side. He looked like he was terrified of something or someone (he later told me he was terrified). After a bit he got up quickly (which I moved quickly to the end of the bed sorta blocking him in cause I feared he would go for a sharp object - considering he was right next to his alter his ceremonial athame and his boline were right there) and he freaked, he climbed onto the bed and crawled across like a wild animal and ran into the closet where he sat and complete covered himself with a blanket (Mac it was my Tweety one - thought ought to give you a little visual and a chuckle anyway). I went to him and tried again calling his name and telling him who I was and he kept flinching and cowering so I left the room. I went out to the living room where his Mom was and called the crisis hotline. I talked with them a bit and was near tears and quite panicky for a little bit but I think I did pretty good. While I was talking to them and explaining what is going on I kept checking on Sweetie. Sweetie stayed in the closet the whole time. Now to give you a little visual on my Sweetie he's about 6' tall and 310 lbs (he's lost 20-30lbs yay!). He's been working out and is quite strong. He could easily kill someone with a kick and has very strong arms as well. So while he was in this state I was scared. If he didn't recognize me for who I was then I feared he would hurt me. I knew I couldn't control him and bring him to the ER as I couldn't even get him out of my closet. So the ladies at the crisis hotline told me I should call 911 to get someone to come help me to take him to the hospital. I told them I would. I wanted to check on Sweetie just one more time. So I went in, got into a position where I felt like couldn't hurt me if he flinched or moved quickly. I reached into the closet and touched his leg. No movement. What the hell? Slight panic here. What did he get into while I was in the other part of the celler on the phone. I rub his leg a little harder and call out his name. He picks his head up, his eyes are all watery and red, he looks around and says, "What am I doing in the closet?". He had fallen asleep!! It was over, he was back to his normal self. I got him out of the closet (which wasn't easy in the position he was in and me with 2 wrists with carpal tunnel, 1 shoulder with tendonitis and not supposed to be lifting more than a couple of pounds). But I got him out got him on the bed, checked with him to see if he was in any immediate danger. Reassured his Mom. Talked to him for a minute and called crisis back to let them know everything was ok (didn't want them to send the cops or an ambulance over when they didn't hear back from me - they were expecting me to call them back in 3 minutes). I then talked with Sweetie and he didn't remember any of it. He didn't feel any strong urges to hurt himself either. So we did end up going for that walk and he talked to his brother for a while and that helped. He's ok now. All that took about 30-45 minutes. I think I got a few more gray hairs now. lol As soon as he woke up I felt this rush of relief over me. I knew everything was going to be ok.

So now what does Sweetie want to do? He wants to go away for a couple of days to Bangor and stay in a hotel with high speed internet so we can play video games (and I can get some downloads in) better. He also wants to go visit his brother for a weekend. There is a long weekend coming up for the schools in November and he's going to see if we (Mom wants to come to) can go visit then.

Unfortunately we can't go this week, we were planning on going tomorrow and coming back on Thursday after his counseling appointment but then his Mom reminded us that we had to be here because the BLEEPING tv repair man was finally coming. SOOOOO Sweetie had to cancel the reservations we had made just minutes before. I SOOOO hope we don't get charged any fee for that. So we get our hopes up to move, we get our hopes up to go play out of town for a couple of days.... and BOOOOM!!! Everything gets shut down and shoved off. I'm SOOOO not happy about this. I've recovered from Sweetie's "event" this afternoon but now I'm REALLY pissed off about this whole thing about the tv. Mom can't take any time off from work (and this is a whole other matter) because there is nobody to drive her bus (she's a transportation director for a school district and isn't even supposed to be driving but because of the driver shortage she has to) yet the other drivers can take time off for reasons more stupid than this. There's been drivers who have taken time off for things happening to a friend of a friend of an acquaintance all the time.

Anyway, sorry for ranting if you're still here WOW!!! Compliments to you for still being here.

Hope your day was better than mine.

**hugs and love**
~Cerelia

Your Worry Factor is 68%

The amount you worry is definitely borderline unhealthy. Even when things are going well, you find yourself fixating on the negatives. Try to remember the times you've been able to let your worries go. If you can do that again, you'll be much happier!

Well P. has decided to fight Mom for the divorce. He wants half of everything. He's constantly making false claims upon which stuff is his and which isn't. So Mom is just going to drop the whole thing and go back to waiting for him to die. Which means we have to put OUR life on hold in the mean time. We've sent in applications to try to get onto Section 8 (low income housing). There is a huge waiting list so who knows how long that is going to take. My Sweetie is taking it fairly well actually. It's either mom has to drop the claims for the divorce which P has brought up and said he wanted in the first place, or we could lose the house. We can't have that. This is just so unfair, P doesn't deserve the house. He barely spent any of HIS money on the house it was all Mom's and her mother's. The land was pre-marital on Mom's side but apparently that doesn't matter. This really REALLY sucks. P's daughter (who used to work for P's lawyer) has put all of this into his head. SHE wants to benefit out of this too, I just know it. I don't know how much more SHIT I can handle at the moment. I just want to relax but I've got demands on me from all sides it feels like.

**sigh** Seems like life is just going to shit on me again. What I want to know is WHEN is life going to get better???? Also, when are my daily aches and pains going to disappear???? I want to SCREAM!!!!!

I gotta run in a few minutes so here's a couple quick ones for ya.

When I was little, probably 10 or so. My great grandmother was in a nursing home and she wasn't doing well at all. The following day as the family reunion. The night before my uncles dug a pit and put the pig in for the pig roast. They have to cool for a really long time. Anyway, during the night the pig caught fire. My grandmother (whose bedroom was right next to the pit) woke up and saw the flames around her bedroom window. In the flames she saw her mother in laws face. Seconds later the phone rang. She had passed away. How freaky is that??

Oh and the trailer never caught fire, just the pig. My uncles were able to get the fire back under control.

Here's another one, this one is much more recent. Thanksgiving 2001 my Sweetie's grandmother died. After she died we were visiting and staying at her house. Well at some point during the day my mother in law sent us down to Sweetie's grandmother's house (the houses share the driveway) to get a big trashbag. Well Sweetie and I searched all over and couldn't find out. We looked in drawers in closets everywhere. So I stood in the kitchen with my eyes closed and spoke to Nana (in my head not outloud) and said, "Nana, Mom sent us to find a big black trash bag and we can't find out. Can you help us please?". Sweetie didn't know I did this, he came back into the room and pointed to the kitchen table. There is one he says! The bag was NOT there before!! I told Sweetie what I had done and he said, "That's my Nana." So like before, I shut my eyes, and thanked her very much. :) I felt a wave of peace after that. Nana was one of the most kindest sweetest people you could ever meet. She liked just about everyone. You had to be really mean for Nana to not like you.

Anyway, gotta run, thought I would share those stories with you. :)

Later on when I get home I'll try to think up some Thursday Tidbits for ya! :D